“Running on Empty”
2019 was one of the most trying years for me, professionally and personally. I felt like I was at a standstill, business was not forthcoming, payments and deadlines for projects were delayed and I lost some clients in the process. As a leader I was in over my head doing the little I could to bring in some cash to at least pay salaries for our employees. For us cofounders it meant emptying our savings and not being paid for close to 3–4 months.
Managing my emotions with life’s daily requests from daily expenses to birthdays and wedding celebrations, it was a mixture of ‘ mixed feelings” if I can say that.
I was not going to give up because I broke, I still had life and I was going to make it work. Most of the days I woke up uncertain and confused about what the next steps will be, praying was just full of anger towards God asking what’s going on can we just skip this part of life.
We were doing our best to finish the projects we were working on, we were tired but we kept showing up for work day in day out. It was a difficult place to be in, semi-hopeful that things will work out for our good. I didn’t have much I could rely on but I kept calm and trusted that this too shall pass. We called this season our wilderness season, we didn’t even realise we were in this season till things started to fall apart.
On one of the days sometime last year, I didn’t have enough money to buy fuel and I had to move in between meetings and events. As I drove, I tried to look away from the dashboard and overthinking started to creep in, thoughts of wondering how I was going to get more money to fuel the car filled my mind. I was broke but life had to go on irrespective, being a child of God, prayer was my fall back but the reality of seeing the fuel bar go lower and lower as the hour went by was a struggle.
First lesson: “I feel like when you pray the situation breaks YOU not the situation.”
Throughout the day, I went through the different mind reflection stages, self pity, annoyance because of traffic, heated mental arguments about having an old car as the sun was blazing hot that day! No spa can bring out that much sweat from your sweat glands. It got the most uncomfortable when amidst all these conditions, I will see a fuel station but I had to drive past because I couldn’t afford to buy fuel.
What do you do at this point?
Park and walk?
Pray and keep driving?
Buy fuel, have faith someone will pay?
The outcome of this scenario is dependent on the level of faith the person has reminds me of this verse :
James 1:2–3
Consider it pure joy, whenever you face trials of many kinds. because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
In my case, I kept driving and praying for provision. My faith was tested that day and my prayer was, my car should keep running so I could get home and park it. I wasn’t going to allow this situation to become a worry and steal away the joy of my day. I worshipped and sang my heart out and continued my day till 10 pm, I wasn’t home yet, my last event for the day had now ended and I had forgotten about fuel situation. Thankfully, I received money from a friend paying back some expenses that was made and my friend blessed me with more than enough to fuel my car, without me telling her a thing. I received the money and it was the exact amount I needed for fuel and 50 Ghc more for the next day. I was speechless but grateful, my faith had manifested into fuel I needed, and I received much more than I asked for.
“Second lesson: I’ve come to learn that the perceived hope that something will exist even when at present it doesn’t look like it, is such an important state of mind you need in life.”
No long talk, fight for that state of mind.
Each day our life is full of experiences that build our faith or reduce it. It’s the what you tell yourself during those moments that will determine if the faith will grow. I have not always been this faith filled I’ve been learning to feed myself with knowledge so in such trying times I know what to say to build my confidence.
I decided to share this because moments like this are miracles on earth for me. I can’t overemphasise how important it is for you to fight for your faith.
Fight mindsets that make you feel like you are losing and nothing good will happen to you. Even if you keep losing, keep fighting with your emptiness, brokenness and uncertainty. Nothing really is impossible for God and I want to end with the lyrics of this song:
Fight the good fight with all thy might!
Christ is thy strength, and Christ thy right;
Lay hold on life, and it shall be
Thy joy and crown eternally.
Fight with your mustard seed, it’s all that’s needed.
I’ve come to understand nothing is perfect in a real sense but you just have to keep going. The vim to keep going, honestly it’s been a mental battle but i’m pulling through. This experience was one of my lowest points but highly beneficial especially to building my faith and trust in God in moments when I had nothing.
I’m sharing to encourage someone out there to keep fighting, don’t give up.
Written by Lady-O Hammond, 7th November, 2020
#smileJesusgotu #realitiesofachildofGod #progressnotperfection
